My child's friends keep leaving, helping them cope with a changing international school community

In many international schools, the end of the summer term is also leaving season. Families move on to new postings, and a child can lose a best friend, or several friends at once, every year. For children who have moved a lot themselves, it can happen from both directions, leaving friends behind and being left behind.

Why does it affect some children so much?

Friendship is one of the main ways children feel safe and settled at school. When a close friend leaves, a child loses the person they sat with, the person who understood the jokes and the person they walked into school with. Adults sometimes expect children to bounce back quickly, especially in communities where goodbyes are common, but a loss being normal does not make it less painful.

Over time, some children start to protect themselves. They may stay friendly with everyone but close to no one, or say there is no point making friends because people always leave. That makes sense as a response, but it can leave a child quite lonely.

What are the signs a child is struggling with repeated goodbyes?

• Saying there is no point making friends because everyone leaves
• Staying on the edge of groups rather than getting close to anyone
• Seeming low or irritable towards the end of each school year
• Holding on very tightly to one friendship and becoming anxious about losing it
• Losing interest in school or activities after a close friend has moved away

How can I help my child cope when a close friend moves away?

• Name the loss honestly, and let your child be sad without rushing to cheer them up
• Help them say goodbye well, for example with a photo book, a letter or a last day out together
• Make a realistic plan for keeping in touch, such as a video call once a month, rather than promises that are hard to keep
• Encourage more than one source of friendship, such as a club, a sport or a neighbour, so one departure does not take everything at once
• Notice and praise small steps towards new friendships, such as inviting someone round or sitting with a new group at lunch

How does Ruby help children who keep saying goodbye to friends?

Ruby Cole is a qualified teacher with a BSc in Psychology and more than ten years of experience with children and young people, including teaching and leading a department in London schools, and working as an assistant psychologist in a national children's clinical service. She won London Teacher of the Year 2021. She works online with children and young people aged 7 to 18 whose families live abroad, including in Singapore, Hong Kong and the UAE, supporting them through transitions, friendships and the dips in motivation that change can bring.

Her approach is strengths-based and personalised. Ruby starts from what a child already does well in friendships, such as being loyal, funny or a good listener, and helps them build on it, rather than treating friendship as a problem to be fixed. Every programme is shaped around the individual child, and sessions are practical.

Depending on the child, sessions might include

• Talking through a goodbye and what that friendship meant, in the child's own words
• A simple friendship map, to see who is in their life now, at school, in activities and further away
• Practical ways to start conversations and keep them going with someone new
• Planning for the start of a new school year, when new children arrive and groups shift
• Ways to manage worry about future goodbyes, including their own family's next move

Ruby and the child set goals together. That might be getting to know one new person this term, keeping in touch with a friend who has moved in a way that feels good rather than sad, or feeling able to talk about a goodbye without shutting down.

How do online sessions work across time zones?

Sessions are one to one, over video call, at a regular time agreed around your child's school day. Singapore and Hong Kong are seven hours ahead of the UK during British Summer Time and eight hours ahead in winter, so a UK morning session falls after school there. The UAE is three hours ahead in summer and four hours ahead in winter, so an early afternoon session in the UK falls after school in Dubai or Abu Dhabi.